It’s been a weird week and I’ve been trying to put out a post since Monday night, but I just couldn’t seem to wrestle one out of me. Last night I wrote to the point where I was happy with what I had put down—a far cry from Monday. But I figured I’d continue tonight and complete all the thoughts I started. I still have one more day of work, and then I feel like the real test will begin. I’m not sure what has made me feel this way, but I hope I can figure it out.
Tuesday, November 20th, 2018.
I’ve had a very weird two days. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety so long, that when I have really good days like I did yesterday, I feel like I’m undeserving—like there’s gotta be a pit somewhere that I’m unable to see. I was a bright, shining light; to such an extent, even, that I used the phrase, “this feels like a titch of the mania.” My brain has been toxic for so long that I’m deluded into thinking that I don’t deserve real happiness. This all welled up on me last night.
I had a great topic to write about (or so I thought). It was about all the fun reasons that Grande Prairie has been in the news recently, and the general feel of portions of this city’s population. Turns out I’m far too easily worked up by this subject, and I made myself angry. To temper the anger, I threw on Seasons in the Abyss by Slayer and continued to write. I turned the vitriol on the page around into a positive message—but it made me anxious. I’ve written angrily about Grande Prairie in the past and have been threatened over it. I’ve had people scour my blog and Facebook account for dirt they can throw in my face. I disagreed with a guy in a comment section one time, and he went onto my website, read something and then came back tell me that I’m a shitty writer and the way I behave is probably why my father killed himself. People can be so lovely. I mean, check this out:
I woke up this morning a tense, barely breathing ball of nerves. Thank god for the people in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it without them today, but I was completely shocked at my whiplash-like reaction from last night. It’s like these threats and situations have scarred me in a way that I can’t feel until I open the door for it to happen again. My anxiety peaked and boiled last night—simmering through my sleep and overflowing the moment I opened my eyes. I was completely blindsided by it, and it was like I forgot how to cope. My mind was shut to everything that I have going for me, even though there is goodness so close that I can taste it. It took friends to remind me of all the good I have right now, because for a few hours this morning I was very close to shutting down—and probably would have if it weren’t for them.
On a day that typically would have made me call in sick, I persevered, and I was rewarded for it. I had a wonderful day today; I was told that I’m “quite personable,” by a fresh-faced individual and rode to the moon on that compliment. But, as always, I was humbled when I used the phrase, “snappy-dresser,” in front of a twenty-four-year-old and instantly felt like her grandfather, so you know—it’s like anything in life, there’s always a give and a take.
Wednesday, November 21st, 2018
Today was another great day, this time without the heavy morning attached. I woke up without hesitation at my alarm, made my bed before even turning on the light and then carried myself through well through the morning. It was a great feeling—like I’m finally back on track after letting myself go. When I use that phrase, I mean with my cleanliness. I’m a neat freak ever since I gained my own space, and you can always tell how bad it is in my head if I’m living in clutter. I start showering every other day, and to be honest, it’s made me put off a haircut for far too long. At this point I’ve turned it into “I’m growing it out for a different cut,” but still, I haven’t been this damn poofy in a while.
Everything feels like it’s falling back into an order, and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve craved control that I’ve been too lazy and distracted to take—and right now, when I’m in between writing periods, I’ve been susceptible to the sweet, sweet allure of TV and legal cannabis. It’s nice to feel a work ethic for myself inside of me again, and it’s played into my real professional work ethic. Win/win. I guess that’s why I feel able to write again, and why I had no problem sitting down today and digging in.
For the past week, almost two, my lack of anxiety and general good demeanour has led me into some interesting situations. I bought a ceramic tumbler at Starbucks for work last week (see right), and through the week I’ve gotten a lot of “that’s great!” which, well, let’s face it—it’s the truth. But today, it was brought to my attention that it’s a girly mug.
Something like that would have made me a little defensive in the past, like I needed to give a piece about gender equality or something like that, but today I was just stunned. I’ve been in such a good place, completely enamoured with this mug, that I haven’t even thought about that. I just like the damn mug. And to be honest, I haven’t thought about the “gender” of products in a long time—other than when I see women’s glasses that I wish I could pull off. Then I just feel left out. *sad trombone sound effect*
But when I think about it, the other mug I have that gets heavy use has Minnie Mouse in rollers and it says, “mornings aren’t pretty!” like I’m someone’s mom (see left). So, I guess I’m into “feminine” mugs. Sue me. Either way, I have one more day left of work and I’m supposed to get my puppy dog for the night—so I’m ecstatic about that, I miss that bitch. That’s both the proper term for her and an empowering bitch, like “yeah, bitch—get it!”
Anyway, I think that’s enough for me. See you tomorrow.
This is Tuesday and Wednesday’s outfits. Tuesday led me to lay in bed until 11a m, so I copped out and wore a blazer and t-shirt because I was feeling lazy, and today I busted out my herring bone cotton button up to pair with some burgundy chinos. #ineedtoupmypantsgame
Writer, performer, producer and musician from Alberta.