What an odd day. Its becoming increasingly clear to me why my doctor prescribed sleeping pills to me. He honestly told me to experiment with them a bit—take a full one and see how it turns out, if it’s too much try out different amounts. Weeks ago, I started with a quarter pill. It gave me an amazing sleep, but the next day at work, I shook like I was kicking an all-night bender. The next time I experimented with them, I waited until I had a day off and took a full pill the night before. The hangover was intense. I felt like I was in a dream state all day, just floating through existence. The only other time I’ve taken one, was a half one night, which seemed to do the most for me. The shaky hangover was there, but I had my wits about me the next day—and the sleep I had was more restful than I have had in years.
This is why he gave them to me on an as needed basis. It’s weird my control for certain things, and my lack of control with others. I have no desire to take these for fun, but they are required once a week to avoid days like today. It turns out I don’t get the sleep I need. Sure, I have no problems falling asleep, or (most nights) staying asleep, but there’s something stopping me from getting to that REM cycle. I’ve been playing around lately, trying different things like closing and opening the blinds. Usually I’ll sleep with them wide open to give the maximum amount of air flow. I thought light from the street wasn’t an issue until the first night I slept with my blinds closed, but when I woke up, I realized that I’ve been a damn fool for years.
Tonight, I think I need to bite the bullet and take one again. As of today (I’m actually just realizing this) I’ve worked at my job for nine months exactly, and it was the first morning where I dreaded coming to work. I love my job, and I wake up most days wondering what type of people I’m going to meet—but today I was shitty. I dreaded being there, I avoided people. The people I did interact with got roughly 75% of me, and none of this sits well with me.
When I worked at the mascot company, my boss was a man who preached gratitude. He would always tell me that you have to be grateful for the things in your life, and to be honest, it’s taken me the three years I’ve been away from him to fully realize what he meant. It wasn’t until I started this job and saw the radically different environment that I began to appreciate where I was, what I was doing and the people around me. The day I had today makes me want to recheck all the bolts on my ship, because something isn’t as tight as it should be. I want to do my best at this job, I take a lot of pride in being good at it, and today was the first day that flew directly in the face of that plan. It’s an easy one to fix though, I’ve fallen back into the sleep habits of both an old man and a teenager.
I’m up no later than eight a.m., and in bed no sooner than one a.m. every single night. I used to be good at reasonable bed times, but then this writing bug took over and I’m hunched over my keyboard until the moment of oh shit! most nights, which is a drag, but I can’t beat myself up over it, I’m getting a lot done. What I can do though, is take pharmaceuticals and handle my problems like a god damn adult. I’m being sarcastic, but the little pills really do help me to sleep on an infrequent basis that I feel safe knowing that I have this move in my back pocket.
Wish me luck tonight. See you tomorrow.