I’m not starting the story today.
I’m angry tonight. Very, very angry. Like all the progress I’ve made recently is just a nice veneer on top of a rotten countertop. Like every glass and dish set on top brings us one step closer to total collapse. Something, someday, is just going to punch a hole straight through the cedar cap and the vitriol will spill out into the kitchen and burn through the floor until it reaches the concrete in the basement. I’m mad at people for caring about me, I’m mad at me for not caring about me. I’ve gotten a lot better when it comes to beating myself up about certain things, but, at times it just feels like that I’ve swept the self-hate into different areas.
I told myself (and two friends) that I would call a doctor two weeks ago, and I did the research. I asked around, polled some opinions, got a few phone numbers for people that I think would be able to go to. I managed to call one, but I reached a voicemail informing me that they weren’t taking any new patients. That ended the entire journey. Every time I see the other phone numbers, I freeze up, there’s nothing that can seem to get me to call, and today is just a glaring example of how I lack the tools to work the mind and body I’ve been given.
Even right now, I’m just angrily scattered. I will fly from thought to thought, kick myself for something I did a few hours ago and then fly back to what’s not happening for me. There are a few things in my life right now that make me think back to that nugget of wisdom Charlie Murphy put into my head.
“There’s poison in the ice cream.”
Some days I feel like I live in an ice cream sundae, other days, I feel every second of the multi-decade slow-death that I live. Days like today reinforce how important it is to always stay vigilant with the things that make you comfortable, because there’s always a chance someone has poisoned the ice cream. The biggest risk I run is poisoning my own ice cream. The best slices of my life at this stage in 2018 are independent of all, but intertwined enough that if poison does sink in, I face another collapse. Today I realized that I’ve spent months climbing a tower, and now I’ve got my toe testing the tightrope. There’s so much at risk, no safety net, and so far to fall.
I’m a good person, no matter how ugly this hate makes me feel. There are amazing things in my life, some of them temporary, some of them new, but no matter how sweet they are, I have to remember the ice cream. I’ve been blindsided too many times not to.
For some reason, the second chorus in Gopher Guts by Aesop Rock clams me like a deep breath, so I’ll leave with that. See you tomorrow.
Writer, performer, producer and musician from Alberta.