Today was a wonderful day. I feel very light, very free and most of all, weightless. Like Sandra Bullock in Gravity, I’m floating. My journey is going to have a better ending though, I think. I don’t know. I never finished Gravity.
Yesterday was a very tough day that forced a certain reality onto me and taught me how to grow up just a little bit more. I have to thank two very important women in my life for that—they were able to get me to see the situation for what it was, not what it felt like. It felt like the end of a lot yesterday, I believe I said at one point that it felt like someone died. But, they put their hands on my back and pushed me, with all the love in the world, into the fire and I came out on top. My life has changed so much since meeting the two of them.
I’ve talked about how my moods are reflected in my posture, and therefore, my height. Today held a moment where people other than myself noticed the difference too, and with total clarity, I was able to answer, “I’ve been down for a while.” My moods, apparently, are only visible to me in hindsight and the way that I felt today exposed the truth of how I’ve been feeling for the past two weeks. I’ve been sleeping so much, feeling like I needed to nap each day after work, but ending up asleep until nine or ten, ruining the rest of the night for myself. Today I came home and sat down to write, made a cup of coffee and didn’t think about doing anything else—this is who I want to be, not Mr. Sleepsalot.
The things I needed to say have been said, and my chest has relaxed. What it means is still to come, but I feel functional again. The stress of impending doom tangled itself to tightly that I wasn’t able to function, or even see that I was in decline. The fight feels so effortless when I’m in it because I’ve lived that way for so long; my next challenge is to figure out how to recognize this when it’s happening, not when I crest over the finish line. If it weren’t for the aforementioned women, I wouldn’t be having this revelation today, I believe I’d still be trapped in the ancient mud of wallowing. I wouldn’t have broken down the wall right away—I’m so concerned with keeping my emotions from getting out in these moments that I forget that if I tear down the walls, I can let people in too. That’s all it took yesterday, friendly faces and a common goal. It’s a lesson I lament only learning now, because it seemed to be the most valuable. The risk is great, but the return is greater than anyone would ever be able to communicate.
Now, I’m going to take another positive step forward and, for the first time in nearly a month, I’m going to have a salad for dinner. A lemon poppy seed drizzled, grilled chicken filled, strawberry-laden, heaven-on-earth disguised as a salad.
See you tomorrow.