The other night I was out for a walk in my neighbourhood, the university area. A woman came up to me and said, "Hey, uh-I never do this but, I've just had the craziest week. Do you want to come back to my place?"
I've never in my life been propositioned, so I'm speechless and my eyebrows go up. I think she took this as a yes, because she took me by the hand and started to lead me away. I stopped, took my hand back and said, " Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.... If I'm going to do this, I need to know I can get three things from you."
She smiles and says, "Oh? And what would those three things be?"
"The only things I need from you tonight are water, a bathroom and a condom."
Her eyes lit up and she smiled. She didn't say anything, just took my hand again and led me back to her dorm.
We snuck into the place, sleeping roommates- you know the drill, and she puts me in her bedroom and disappears again. Within a minute, she's back with an ice cold bottle of water. She goes into her night stand and hands me both the bottle and a condom. With a wink, she nods behind me and says, "Bathroom's back there."
I take my leave, do my thing, and when I come out, she's bare-ass naked on the bed giving me the "come here" finger.
I'm not going to lie here. I'm a red-blooded male, so I did the only thing I could:
I pulled out the condom I had just filled with ice cold water, chucked it at her and yelled, "YOU'RE NOT MY WIFE!!!" as I ran away.
Writer, performer, producer and musician from Alberta.