I went to bed early last night, well, early for me. At eleven p.m., I crawled into bed and surprisingly fell right asleep for one of the most peaceful, natural rests I’ve had in weeks. This morning, I woke up, chipper and ready for the world at six, but decided to give myself another hour and a half. When seven thirty came, I was up and ready to take on the day. I made a giant pot of coffee because I knew mom wouldn’t be far behind me in waking, and then I sat down to flip through twitter as I waited for the brew.
The first thing that I saw from the outside world this morning hit me in such a way that I barley have the words for it. Twitter has fed me some weird, weird things; including, “Mexican fish orgies are making dolphins go deaf.” But this morning held the first one that made me say, out loud in an empty kitchen, “oh what the fuck?”
Like, why in the hell did we need this? I get irony, I do. I’m a big hipster, I also love absurdity and anti-comedy. I enjoy things being stupid for the sake of being stupid as well. But, one what level did we need this… thing? James Cordon has officially gone too far.
Listen, I’ll level with you. I shut the video off before Dr. Phil sang a note, but—I mean, come on. You can tell by the faces on the GC guys that they’re like, “We came back for this?” Did someone at the Late Late Show just think, hey, what are two super irrelevant things that we could make suck even more?
Next time, I hope Judge Judy fronts Simple Plan—that’s the real shit we need, or maybe Montel can hook up with Gob for some guitar-surfing. Treble Charger feat. Maury? Maybe?
I don’t know why I’m upset about this. I truly don’t. I think it’s hitting both nerves that used to flair up when I was a kid. You see, I was a heavy-metal kid, and by nature, I was supposed to hate punk-rockers. Good Charlotte looked like punk-rockers but played some corny ass music, so I hated them with a burning passion—a nuclear hot passion. Dr. Phil always felt like a big know it all, and for some reason, he got the same reaction out of me. I was in high-school at the time, but still, it was a completely irrational hate that flared up every time I caught them on TV. Now that I’m a slightly medicated, well adjusted adult, the universe has teamed them up to truly test my resolve.
I feel like Ian Malcom in Jurassic Park. I want to march down to CBS, walk into James Corden’s office wearing tight black jeans with my nice leather jacket and sit across from him and say, “you were too busy thinking about whether or not you could, you didn’t stop to think whether or not you should.”
If this sets a trend and we see any of my aforementioned hypothetical collaborations come to life, I propose we, the rational minded, form the first ever lunar colony. I just read Artemis by Andy Wier, and I think that we could figure it out using that, he’s a smart guy. We just need a few eccentric billionaires and away we go!
See you later? Probably tomorrow, but who knows, maybe Dr. Phil will do some more lame-dad shit. Christ, I’m bitchy. It’s time for breakfast.
Writer, performer, producer and musician from Alberta.