So, I have nothing tonight. We’ll figure it out though. I’m not an advocate for this, nor will you EVER catch me doing anything to further “the culture” of this shit, but I’m going to go ahead and smoke some weed before continuing this piece tonight. Mainly because my day was great and I’m all relaxed and stuff, my mind is already relaxed—leading me to a whole lot of nothing. When I’m already here, usually I won’t smoke weed. Most days it’s just something to make the snacks a little tastier while watching TV before bed, but tonight I know it’ll get my brain moving in (hopefully) ridiculous ways. BRB.
Remember when people said that? I have the odd friend that will text BRB, and every time I think—what, is your mom standing behind you?
Actually, before I smoke weed, let’s talk about THAT. I’ve become more social that I have been in a long time, and sometimes I get off work with my phone holding eight new messages. I’ll always reply to them, but as the replies to my reply come back to me, my anxiety flairs. I cannot seem to get through multiple conversations with multiple people without losing my mind, and if I don’t text them back—I’ll hear about it. Who among us decided that if we own a cellphone, we are obligated to call/text people back as soon as possible? I understand manners, and I understand courtesy, which is how I try to approach it now, but I don’t understand these people that come up to me and mention that I never text them back. Well, how am I supposed to respond to a photo of something that I barely care about? Is it worth anyone’s time to text back “lol?” Digital small talk is creating expectations that people will never live up to, and it’s causing a deep seeded anxiety in us that think too much about social interactions. Anyway—that was a quick little bitch session. But, as per usual, all I had to do was hitch a ride on a thought and just like *that* I don’t feel like I need to smoke weed anymore.
My journey with weed has been very, very strange. At times, it’s an old friend that can help through the tough moments; other times, it’s an abusive lover. I finally feel like I’ve reached a balance in my life with it. It’s been a long time since I’ve come home pining for it or thought about it in the middle of the day. When you replace negative space with wonderful people, it’s like bailing the water out of your raft. It gets easier to move in general, and you’re no longer worried about sinking after making the wrong move. The people in my life now are just… incomparable. I feel so loved, I feel so safe and I feel like I can do anything these days. Point me at a mountain and I’ll pull it out by the roots, break it down and chisel it with my bare hands into an obelisk that I will tie the moon to once I wrestle it into the atmosphere. Try to stop me, bruh. Come at me.
As Janelle Monae once said, “even if it makes others uncomfortable, I will love who I am.” And it’s working so far. I feel great, even despite this sinus business I have going on.
See you tomorrow.
Writer, performer, producer and musician from Alberta.