I have plans shortly, so I’ll have to be quick about this. I’ve noticed something over the last few days, whether it be myself changing or this medication of mine finally leveling out, but I’ve finally realized how much anxiety I had been living with. It’s so easy for me to make plans and keep them, it’s easy for me to spontaneously do things that I’ve always wanted to do, but most of all it’s easy for me to do the basics—things like getting a haircut without butterflies in my stomach the entire way there, or even just going to the grocery store without feeling like Tupac (all eyez on me).
The only thing I can readily compare this realization to is the bass guitar. In most music, you hardly notice the bass, but you’d really notice if it was gone. I never knew that anxiety ruled me like it did until it was gone. It fueled my addiction issues, it fueled my moods, and it turned me into an asshole on occasion. Now that its about eighty percent less, I’m realizing that entire periods of my life were sustained on anxiety—important decisions were made in anxiousness, and I’m still paying for a lot of them.
All I can really hope now is that I can learn from this hindsight. Going forward, I have already found it easier to vet my decisions and choose to behave in a better way, both physically and with my words. Also, I’ve made a very good friend who chooses to show just a hair more than nothing. She’s a highly emotionally intelligent person, and is smarter than most, but she’s one of the more reserved people I’ve ever had this close to me. I’m learning a lot from her, she has the ability to only let you know what she wants you to know, whereas I’m an open book. When I actively listen to people, my face reacts in real time. I am no good at stonewalling people and have nothing that even comes close to a poker face. But, if it weren’t my facial muscles giving me away, it would be my blood vessels. I go red at the drop of a hat, for many different reasons. I can be embarrassed, angry, complimented, it doesn’t matter—I go a deep tomato red and my ears feel like their going to melt off my head and run down my neck.
My job has been training me for this, though. As I come across different personality types in varying degrees of intensity, I’ve been able to deflect most of it. The emotional sponge part of my being used to take over and absorb personalities in different company as well, but I feel like I’ve been able to remain the calmest version of myself in these moments. Now I just need to figure out how to transpose it into my real life, and I think I’ll be golden.
Alright, now it’s time to stuff my face with delicious, overpriced food.
See you tomorrow.
Writer, performer, producer and musician from Alberta.