So, what happened to this blog? Is it that I am “feeling better” in the scope of things, and therefore have less to write about? Is it that I’ve gotten lazy and away from the routine I set out for myself two months ago? Or, is it the fact that I’ve been watching anime after anime, running away from the very real problems that I thought were waiting for me up the road? I believe it’s a little bit of all three, but I’m done avoiding certain thoughts. A conversation on Tuesday night taught me that everything can and will be okay for me, and in the world around me. I just have to stay true to myself, and everything else will fall into place.
With that said, I’ve entered into a new phase. It’s only now that I realize that when I started this whole thing—the daily posts, the medication, the separation; what I viewed as the new phase was just a transitional period. Now I have a new normal, a new baseline, a new future and a new outlook on things, unhindered by any outside forces and purely my own. Though, I do realize the real things that I have lost. I have lost my personality check. I have lost my grounding rod. I have lost a star in the sky, one that used to guide my intentions.
I’m fortunate to still have people in my life that can help me with these things I need, but I have to find the place where I’m able to check my own behaviour—recognize when the BPD is taking hold, as it does with my opinions on people and institutions. I can feel it coming, and that gives me hope.
I’m channeling every ounce of myself into writing fiction lately. I’ve been planning a short story collection and want to have five tight little stories to peddle off to people. That’s the real reason I haven’t been maintaining the blog as well as I should be. It’s hard for me to come up with even a starting point for a point like this when my brain is wrapped around the plot of something. Though, I look at other blogs that belong to people that also have full time jobs, and I wonder why I can’t just write something fun and simple. Why does an album review have to be so in depth? Why do the journal-esque posts have to go so deep? Can I just write five hundred words about why I like giant robots and move on? I think I’ve got to start. One of my favorite places on the internet, and one of the main inspirations in maintaining this site is verysmartbrothas.theroot.com. Two guys in online writing that I look up to the most run this site: Damon Young and Panama Jackson. At any given time, there are articles that are just silly little lists, full on op-eds, some just straight opinion pieces—really anything these guys want to write about, they do. It’s the spirit that I’m missing on Fat Dog, it’s a lack of timeliness paired with a hyper grounded subject. I feel like I may take myself a little too seriously on the website.
I’m going to try to spice it up a bit around here. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow morning. See you then.
Writer, performer, producer and musician from Alberta.