I’m tired today, really fucking tired. There’s this subconscious level of wear that I can’t seem to get back to it’s original state. I don’t know what I’m missing. I had an amazing sleep last night—out like a log by ten p.m. and up at six thirty, but something in me feels like I’ve been up for days. Difficult situations make tears well up in my eyes and my throat clogs with the familiar choke. I’m trying remaining positive though, I’m focusing on the fact that I’m starting my day with writing to make up for lost time yesterday. I was home long enough last night to eat and fall asleep.
I’m writing, I have a super great outfit laid out on the bed behind me and my face calls out for a shave. Shaving always makes me feel good for some reason. It’s like the hair, dead skin and oil trap a layer of evil spirits against my face and shaving them is the only way to exorcise the beast. It will be a good day. Yesterday was tough, I constantly felt like I was leaving myself behind—like my body was doing things without my mind registering them. It was infuriating and led to a mini breakdown on my way out the building. Today will be filled with similar challenges: my biggest issue at work has always been the line.
We function a lot like a bank. Once you wrap up with a patient, there’s a bit of back end duty that you need to do to ensure quality of care going forward, as well as get the actual ball rolling on the order you just did. There are moments, when you sit at an empty desk, being stared at by a line full of people. I have no constitution for this. I feel every blink, eye twitch and breath from those folks, and it spikes my anxiety. My nanobot-filled medication does almost nothing to curb this spike, but I learned a while ago that these things aren’t going to work for me, they work with me. These are the moments that my walls turn to dust and I will shirk my duties, just so someone doesn’t think… something about me.
Writing this all out has turned out to be like a cup of coffee this morning. I think I might make this a part of the routine. I wake up scared a lot these days—those few moments of consciousness before you even remember what part of the bed you’re in fill almost instantly with fear for me, and this has alleviated more than I ever would have thought. Twenty-five minutes ago, it was a heavy morning laced with dread. Right now, it’s just another Wednesday. This time, though, I get to wear a super cute tie.
See you tonight.
Yesterday I wore a navy-blue T-shirt on top of my brown chinos. A brown belt & matching shoes completed the look, contrasting with my blue blazer from RW&CO. My glasses are Dolce & Gabbana.
These are the brown shoes, complete with a splash of colour thanks to my toucan socks.