What a weird day. The subconscious wear broke through to the real world and poisoned my blood this morning. Before my lunch break, I was finished. Something in my mind let go, and let all of my old anxieties back in. It flared my temper, destroyed my personality and made me, in general, less than pleasant to be around. Unfortunately, the great feeling I had while writing this morning just didn’t carry through with today. There’s a stink in the atmosphere at work, and I’m unsure of where it’s coming from, or if it’s just my brain.
I used the phrase, “it will be a good day,” this morning, and now I’m eating my words for dinner. Not to say it’s a horrible day, or that any external sources made it bad, I just woke up toxic today. Bad brain. It happens, but the fervour that it happened with this afternoon took me by surprise. I’m always the last to know the extent of my feelings, and the peaked today when I was given a small pep talk by a friend. She tried to reassure me of the reality of it all, but for some reason, as soon as the soft and kind voice started speaking—I realized how angry I was. She didn’t ignite it, but it’s like she held a mirror up to my face.
The latent anger I had dealt with for years was peaking again—anger I haven’t felt since the spring. The morning left a bad taste in my mouth and for some reason, I became scared. I was scared my medication isn’t doing what it should, I was scared that I’ve pushed all my coworkers away. Scared that I’m exuding an air that keeps people away. After my father died, I was working at L&M and I had a day much like today—though, back then I had much less control over my emotions (as hard as it is to believe), and I actually lashed out at a customer. I have looked back at this moment as a hallmark of shame, and constantly try to learn from it. The problem with me is that I can’t keep anything in. I’m an open book, and even when I’m in control, my emotions are still displayed on a blinking LED sandwich board strapped to my chest.
I play guitar these days as a release. It’s the closest thing to meditation that I can get into, and it really does help me sort out my thoughts. I’m going to dive in right after I finish this stuff—maybe my subconscious will sort itself out. I hope so, because I need to be better tomorrow. I can’t accept this behaviour from myself—because the moment I start viewing this as a norm, it’s all over. The fear of the medication not working for me is unfounded, I’m the one not working for me. I’ve gotta change that.
See you tomorrow.
Today I wore a grey, textured Denver Hayes Never-Iron Shirt over the same brown chinos from yesterday, with a Navy/Brown tie from RW&CO. My glasses are Pro Design.
A brown belt and brown shoes completed the ensemble with a lil’ help from my Bill Murray socks.