Ten Lists of Five

I’ve been wanting to write about what’s been going on with me lately, but to be honest, I'm scared of it. This is the first time in a long time that I approach the keyboard with fear and find myself unable to really say what I mean. I feel like a lot has fallen apart for me, and I’m still in the phase of shock and awe, staring at the pieces and wondering where to start cleaning up.

In an effort to break through my own walls, here are ten lists of five. They’re random, things I that just came to me as I sat here. Hopefully I’ll have something to say soon.

Five Things I’m Grateful For

  1. The support network of friends that I have

  2. My mother and sisters

  3. My ability to recognize problems within myself and the drive to correct them

  4. My sense of empathy

  5. The fact I was born pretty

Five Things I’m Too Old For

  1. People without integrity and humility.

  2. Shitty Food.

  3. Rumors (the act of spreading and being the victim of, not the Fleetwood Mac album)

  4. Not taking care of myself (mentally, physically and spiritually).

  5. The word “amazeballs.”

Five Things I’m Too Young For

  1. Naps every day

  2. Drill-mount glasses

  3. The denial of human growth

  4. The constant worry of death

  5. My memory to be this bad

Five Things I Resent About Myself

  1. My ability to write people off in a heartbeat

  2. My on-sight snap judgements about people

  3. My occasional sense of superiority

  4. My inability to follow through on promises to myself

  5. The slipping grasp I have on my emotions

Five Things I Really, Really Like Right Now

  1. Run the Jewels

  2. Juicy Jack

  3. Coca-Cola

  4. Cooking the meat of different animals for myself.

  5. Rest (even God rested)

Five Questions I Ask Myself Daily

  1. Why can’t I navigate relationships, of any nature, properly?

  2. Why do I feel everything so much?

  3. Why do I end up in the same places over and over again?

  4. When am I going to find what I truly need?

  5. Do I not deserve the pleasure I give? 

Five Things That Are Destroying My Life

  1. My anger

  2. My resentment

  3. My inability to communicate clearly and effectively

  4. My inability to place my needs above others

  5. The way I talk to and treat myself

Five Mottos I Try to Live By

  1. Kill Your Masters

  2. Find Your Happiness

  3. Don’t Nit Pick Your Allies

  4. Respect the Humanity in Everyone

  5. You are a King/Queen, Act as Such

Five Things I’m Mad About

  1. The misguided priorities of my home province.

  2. The ancient and homophobic, almost world-wide defacto ban on blood, organ and tissue donation from men who have had sex with men, and women who have had sex with them.

  3. My constant struggle against the economy because of choices I made to go against the norm at home.

  4. People who won’t listen to ideas because of perceived worth, class and experience.

  5. The misguided perception of feminism and it’s values.

Five Things I Want to Do Sooner Than Later

  1. Pheasant Hunting. I want to shoot a bird, clean a bird and eat a bird in the same day.

  2. Deer Hunting. I want to be with an experienced hunter and just watch how they do it and help prepare the meat.

  3. Write and preform a one-person show.

  4. Collaborate on a truly great piece of art

  5. Find Balance