I’ve been wanting to write about what’s been going on with me lately, but to be honest, I'm scared of it. This is the first time in a long time that I approach the keyboard with fear and find myself unable to really say what I mean. I feel like a lot has fallen apart for me, and I’m still in the phase of shock and awe, staring at the pieces and wondering where to start cleaning up.
In an effort to break through my own walls, here are ten lists of five. They’re random, things I that just came to me as I sat here. Hopefully I’ll have something to say soon.
Five Things I’m Grateful For
The support network of friends that I have
My mother and sisters
My ability to recognize problems within myself and the drive to correct them
My sense of empathy
The fact I was born pretty
Five Things I’m Too Old For
People without integrity and humility.
Rumors (the act of spreading and being the victim of, not the Fleetwood Mac album)
Not taking care of myself (mentally, physically and spiritually).
The word “amazeballs.”
Five Things I’m Too Young For
Naps every day
The denial of human growth
The constant worry of death
My memory to be this bad
Five Things I Resent About Myself
My ability to write people off in a heartbeat
My on-sight snap judgements about people
My occasional sense of superiority
My inability to follow through on promises to myself
The slipping grasp I have on my emotions
Five Things I Really, Really Like Right Now
Run the Jewels
Cooking the meat of different animals for myself.
Rest (even God rested)
Five Questions I Ask Myself Daily
Why can’t I navigate relationships, of any nature, properly?
Why do I feel everything so much?
Why do I end up in the same places over and over again?
When am I going to find what I truly need?
Do I not deserve the pleasure I give?
Five Things That Are Destroying My Life
My inability to communicate clearly and effectively
My inability to place my needs above others
The way I talk to and treat myself
Five Mottos I Try to Live By
Kill Your Masters
Find Your Happiness
Don’t Nit Pick Your Allies
Respect the Humanity in Everyone
You are a King/Queen, Act as Such
Five Things I’m Mad About
The misguided priorities of my home province.
The ancient and homophobic, almost world-wide defacto ban on blood, organ and tissue donation from men who have had sex with men, and women who have had sex with them.
My constant struggle against the economy because of choices I made to go against the norm at home.
People who won’t listen to ideas because of perceived worth, class and experience.
The misguided perception of feminism and it’s values.
Five Things I Want to Do Sooner Than Later
Pheasant Hunting. I want to shoot a bird, clean a bird and eat a bird in the same day.
Deer Hunting. I want to be with an experienced hunter and just watch how they do it and help prepare the meat.
Write and preform a one-person show.
Collaborate on a truly great piece of art