Guaranteed that this post will be called something horrendous like “a new day” or some shit like that. I haven’t posted since May 22nd, my birthday, and I think there’s a solid reason behind it. In that time, the two months between May 22nd and July 24th, I have become a new human, regressed into a scary monster that hid under his own bed, and then slowly emerged as a dual entity, half monster—half man: equal parts fear, Kangol sweatpants and anger. I don’t live with my wife anymore, I live with my mom instead. As a man, when I mention that I’m living apart from my wife and that I was the one who moved, I am met with a side eye that very plainly says, “What’d you do?” It’s always a shock for people to hear that I’m the victim here. I’m not an innocent victim, but in this current situation, I am absolutely the victim of an abusive relationship.
I have spent six years feeling like something was wrong with me, only to have it dissolve into a soupy, thick mess of ancient rage covered in dust that threatens to ignite if I hold my lens on it too long. An apology came, one that was long over due and all encompassing. It was a relief, it was a win, but it was also a gateway back to the barren wasteland that I have worked so hard to move away from. Validation of feelings you’ve been running from is a double-edged sword. I had done so much work in hiding from them that they were “almost gone,” like my emotions had almost managed the perfect Irish goodbye, only to be hauled back into the party from the street so every single person can say goodnight. I have to find a way to conquer this rage in me—if I could go Super Saiyan, that’d solve all my issues, but nay, I am no Saiyan warrior. The rage sits in me, chained up until a weak moment, until my blood sugar shackles loosen to the point of breaking and it all floods out. I have felt Earth shattering anger at a pair of clip on sunglasses—I have cursed and gone red in the face because I was given the wrong key to a mail box. I threaten to have my entire reputation as a calm-collected individual swallowed by my final form, never to return. It will be similar, but much different; always laced with the real fear of pissing him off. To have my new co-workers look at me the way my former ones did is completely unacceptable, and the only way I can figure out how to re-cage this animal is to build the entire zoo from scratch.
So that’s why I write tonight. It’s why I’ll write tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. Five hundred words a day forever, because I’ll never be satisfied with my writing. The day I’m satisfied is the day I realize that I’ve been dead for far too long. I have to show myself that I’m worth showing up for, so I’ve made ten pledges to myself in regard to my day to day life:
1. I will start eating and staying on top of my blood sugar. Three good meals a day.
2. I will stop smoking so god damn much—both weed and cigarettes.
3. I will actually start running regularly, 3 times a week.
4. I will start to and continue to see a psychologist regularly and budget accordingly.
5. I will budget, top to bottom, every cent. No more unexpected shortages.
6. I will be more grateful for myself, my talents and my demeanour.
7. I will respect my surroundings more.
8. I will find a non-sexual outlet for my new libido and stop rubbing myself raw.
9. I will drink more water.
10. I will be kinder to myself.
In addition to this, in pursuit of finding true meaning in my self, and in my own life, I made ten creative pledges.
1. I will refer to myself as a writer, without caveat, shame or excuses.
2. I will refer to myself as a musician and talk about my projects without caveat, shame or excuses.
3. I will read Writing Fiction for Dummies without shame because it holds motivation within it’s pages.
4. I will read a novel before August 15th and start a new one the day that I am finished.
5. I will begin to plan another novel, learning from the failures of Dear Joseph and attack it scene by scene.
6. I will write the first draft of the play that has been in my head since April.
7. I will write a blog post every single day, 500 words at least.
8. I will finish the projects I have started, especially if they involve others.
9. I will adhere to a writing schedule and be honest with other what I am doing, taking time for me without hesitation.
10. I will work harder.
See you tomorrow.